My Rehab Speech

And I'm back!!! It's been almost a month since my last post. If this was a subject, my prof would've dropped me from the student list already. Nevertheless, I'm still here, a concrete proof that there's no problem a month long shopping spree couldn't fix.

Rehabilitation from depression wasn't easy. There were the sleepless nights, the beers downed, the meals skipped, forcibly cramming your head with information regarding transsphenoidal hypophysis and other things medical, renewing your wardrobe, and a lot of other things. Good thing losing weight was one of it's adverse reactions. I'm now an inch thinner at the waist, and my collarbone's getting more prominent. Thanks to Giligan's, Cable Car, ATC, Festival Mall, Southmall, Starbucks, for almost adopting me the past month. To the people who took time to listen to all my angst and stupidity amidst their own. To Pia who showed me all things bright and beautiful, to Skye, to newfound friends, to friends who remained friends, and to Mick, who is the root and solution to all of this.

Am I beginning to sound like a FAMAS best actress winner now?

Back to the future...

It's now only 2 hours and 17 minutes before my life starts anew. Back to the scent of hospital wards, back to the sight of pain and suffering, back to the life I left.

The start of the new sem signifies my return to oblivion. It's somehow refreshing knowing that I will be normal again. I have been used to doing something, and my hiatus from college stuff is a killer. I now am ready to move on to another 5 months of occupying myself with thoughts that are not about me, but rather, of the technical and practical side of life. There are no more room for personal emotions and self recovery, just logic and anatomy. That is what I want to believe, because I want to redirect my loneliness into something more rational.

The past few weeks were full of questions unanswered, and these questions remain unanswered still. Maybe the answer will come in the future, but now, I choose for it to take the backseat and focus on the road ahead.

I miss the people I love terribly. I miss my "perfect" self terribly. I miss so many things. I miss my "real" self.

Life goes on. I must move with it, because now, I have no more power to make it stand still just for myself. Let it go, and fly away. I have no choice. This is me. This is what I have to be.

It's morphin' time...

Pre Mid-Age Life Crisis

I am a bad cheetah! I feel like i've been abandoning my life since i haven't posted on my blog for so long now. I also wanted to post the pictures from our subdivision's trick or treat but somethings wrong with my image host, so I guess I'll just have to postpone that for now.

I now feel so burned out, so bummed out, so beat stricken by the monster called life. It is our sembreak and I am supposed to have fun, instead, I am wallowing in misery. Each day is getting darker, like the sky I see when I stare out of the window. I must do something... I need a beautiful release... I need to let it all out... I want to scream if only silently, as I fall from heaven down to my earthly grave... I need to rediscover myself within the short time I have left before I bury myself in needles, charts, scrubs, etc... I need to see...

My brother was somehow experiencing a different kind of mental alteration, judging by the early morning phone call he gave me. Pre-wedding jitters, I said. I told him to take it easy, and diverted the serious thought into a lighter note consisting of topics you'd never thought brothers and sisters would share. Hihihihi! That's what I like about my brother. He knows me inside out as I know all about his darkest side. I f you want to kill me with humiliation, go to my brother or husband and ask for my most gory details.

With my mind a minute short of depression, I accompanied Pia to do her prenuptial canvassing amidst the very excited feelings from all around her (my mom, her mom, me, my brother, especially). We looked for churches, for reception venues, and a few other things. The task was finished early and so we are left with nothing to do. We were supposed to go wallclimbing but my Kuya Ricky is still in Naga burning his ass off. "I still don't want to go home. I feel so down. Labas naman tayo!", I told her. She said ok and that was really the plan, so we dialled up Winston's cell number and asked him if he'd want to come with us, we knew he definitely would. We settled for Cable Car at the ATC because it is "safe", and it's more quiet. The kind we just need for a small talk. We also called up Jet (who just lost his cellphone) and asked him to follow. So, with our conscience clear by going out with my cousins (both of which, are three years younger or so. It was like being the bad influence in a bad group!), we shared a night of temporary consolation. What is this I feel? Boredom? Frustration? Anger? Disappointment? Regret? Confusion? Depression? Loneliness? All I know is that I am still the human being I am ought to be for I still experience these things. All I know is that these feelings are brought about by love. All I know is that maybe I should now love myself more. I've given so much. Maybe it's time I give some back to myself. Like the title of my blog, life, indeed, hurts sometimes. Now I'm taking the fall, and I'm falling too fast, too deep. For the first time in almost 4 years, beer once again invaded my system.

This morning, when I woke up, I still have no answer as to what I am feeling. I still am searching for the answers. Maybe it will be given now...

This is what sembreaks do. An unoccupied mind is dangerous.

Brain "cell" damage

I was given an early birthday gift by my brother and Pia. I was told that my bro is going to hand me down his Siemens SX1. It crashed during an accidental removal of the memory card. Anyway, Pia called me today informing me that the phone already arrived together with her nokia 7610. Needless to say, I was ecstatic all day waiting for the time she gets off from work.

We agreed to meet up at the Festival Mall at 7, but she arrived at 8 because of the traffic. My sister and I were like babies given a candy when she first showed us her gadget. Oooooohhhh and aaaaahhhhh's were all we could say. Next came mine, I jumped with glee at the mall as she presented me with -- dig this-- my very own cellphone.

Then came the glitch- it won't start. The message "app. closed" keep appearing on the damn screen and it wouldn't yield to my pleadings for it to start-up. Aaaaarrrggghhh! We went to the cellphone centers inside the mall scouting for repair shops and a memory card for her nokia. Some of the cellphone techs told me it was a major crash in the system and that fixing it would mean opening the phone up and a damage of P1500 outright would be likewise inflicted on me. No way! I figured out I could figure this problem out.

On the other conquest for phone frills, Pia shelled out around P2000 bucks on a memory card only to find out later that it was the wrong kind. Another 15 minutes were lost by waiting for the refund of her payment. There was no more time left for the mall was about to close. Another bummer was when we spent a few minutes at a semi-closed Smart Wireless Center only to be told that they can't provide us with what we need. Total bad luck...

We just decided to drown our sorrows at the Superbowl Of China. Dinner was at 9:30 and comprised of spicy chicken and some wanton noodle soup and garlic rice. We waited for another 10 mins. still, no dinner yet. We were served the wrong food thrice and waited for what seemed like eternity before we can pig out. I was nearing the end of my wits hadn't it been for that funny waiter who insisted we come back for their halloween party at Sunday. I was thinking, THIS was already halloween, with all the ghouls of pessimism haunting us all the way. Add to that the rain and the fact that I still have to spend at least a whopping P3000 (fix and a 128 MB MMC) on my heirloom cellphone.

I did not want to sleep without fighting, so I searched the net for a good 2 hours only to find at GSM Forum the answer to my dilemma--- A hard reset. All I have to do is push 3 certain buttons on the phone at the same time, and presto!!!!!! Instant reformatting of its Symbian OS!!!!

Tsk!tsk!tsk! to think I would have been fooled by the technical jargons and all the bullshit those techs have explained to me. Hehehe... what do you know? I'm smarter!!!

Now I can proudly say how I thank my dear brother Patrick and Pia so much for the wonderful gift.

Thanks guys! I love you so much!

Inhalers and Ninjas

Sembreak... what every college student waits for. Now I can sleep, now I can breathe....

My son's pedia cofirmed that Skye has asthma. He has now upgraded from his nebulizer to a metered dose inhaler, the kind you see in movies being huffed and puffed by respiratory challenged people. When I told Mick about this, he was crushed. He has high hopes pa naman of his son following his footsteps and be a karate freak. That would have to wait for now since strenous physical activities are prohibited. So, for this upcoming halloween trick or treat party, I decided to buy my son a ninja costume. He was cute when he tried it out and as he was making "hiyaaaah!" notions. Sad, though, that it would take him long before he can actualize that dream.

I accompanied my sister scouting for nursing colleges. This took us a loooooooong walk and a few inquiries before we settled that she would have to take the risk at St Paul, where my nurse cousin, Ate Peach graduated. What's scary is the mall right in front of the campus. I guess I just have to let her spread her wings now and experience life first-handedly. I just pray life would be good to her. Anyway, it's her birthday today, so I guess I'll have to cut her some slack and be nonchalant about her entrance to adulthood. Happy Birthday, sis!

Be back later.... Gone to visit the nice people in white straitjackets in the room with padded walls...

Of Pirates and Ladders

Pia went to our house yesterday while all of us are just bumming around. She announced that she already recieved her new credit card from Standard Chartered so we have to celebrate it.(add to that the nokia 7610 my brother will be shipping her by the end of the month! tsk, tsk, some girls have all the luck!) So after a lot of persuasion for us to dress up, we went to Festival Mall for dinner and a movie.

Dinner was at Giligan's, a nice place where the waiters are dressed in all black tight shirts and a red bandanna. What they lack are the eye patches and they would have passed as authentic pirates! We had the T-bone steak, chicken sisig, sizzling pusit, pizza, blue marlin, and mashed potatoes. Skye was running around the place as usual, tinkering with the grand piano in between bites. Surprisingly, he had an appetite that night and he looked cute while eating large portions of his pizza. It was what you can call a full meal until Skye puked showing all the diners at Giligan's and nearby restos such as Teriyaki Boy and Superbowl what he ate for dinner. Gawd! Now, I am taking him back to his pedia since this happens everytime he runs around, even if he's not eating.

Next stop was at the movie complex just upstairs from where we ate. We voted on Ladder 49 which was my personal choice because of John Travolta and Joaquin Phoenix. That one really touched me deep inside. After the movie, tears were welling up my eyes, but I don't want to be a major spoiler so you just see the movie for yourself and let's whine together later. One thing is for sure though, I now have a newfound respect for firefighters. WAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! That is one ending I really don't like coz I'm a sucker for happy endings. Skye loved the movie. In fact, he now wants to be fireman. He was shouting "Hello!!! Anybody there??!!??" at the barren mall when we were about to go home.

My hunny called around midnight. He was in his "pa-baby" voice which he uses when he did something, or wants something, or just plain "pa-cute". "Nagbuy ako X-box ha?" he blurted out. He also added that he spent $20 on a slot machine at a casino at Nassau, and won $150 which he used to buy his mean, lean, gaming machine. I laughed at him and his childish luxuries. The whole arcade just wasn't enough!

Well, well, two movies in one week! Hey, my social life is improving!

baby blues

I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I didn't get hitched so soon, what it would be like if I was still single. I really do, but not with a hint whatsoever of regret or bitterness, just plain curiosity. See, my life has been reprogrammed ever since I became Mrs. Maligtas (the surname's not nice, I know, but the guy is!). It's like the new me overwrote my past "me" file in a snap. A few years back, all I care about was me and what I wanted. Now, it's about buying what Skye wanted, when to make him stand in the corner, or teaching him his abc's and 123's.

Yesterday, we agreed upon watching a movie after our grand evaluation which our class hosted. It only stole around 3 hours of our precious time, but damn! I feel so guilty having to go out without my kid. Gene told me it was just right for us to have a little time for ourselves (gene is my classmate and a fellow young mom whose hubby is also out of the country). Nevertheless, I felt incomplete. It was like playing hooky from my mom when I was still a teen or something. I did enjoy the movie and going out with my friends, what I didn't enjoy was the sinking feeling afterwards. It made me wonder if that made me a bad mom.

I reasoned with the fact that the past Sunday was a pure Skye day. Maybe one day for myself after all these four years is not bad. I so deserve it, right?

But then, I began to like what I felt. It dawned on me that I was at last being responsible. It made me realize the gravity of the power that has been bestowed upon me ever since I got married. I remember what I said during that emotional time when I gave birth - that finally Mick and I have someone to finally call our own, someone nobody can ever deny was purely ours and cannot be taken away (I don't know if being that emotional was due to the hormones).

I don't have to punish myself for that one "me" day. In fact, it showed me right on my face how I like it to be a mom. I am so lucky I almost have everything I wanted. It just needs a brain to figure out that you might have everything you wished for too.

As I am typing this, Skye is making a monkey bar out of my arms and messing with the keyboard, and Mick is constantly in my mind wondering about how he is, but I'm glad I have them to think about.

I'm already married and raising a family, but look! I'm not complaining and never will be because this made me the better person I am today. It is happiness at it's finest.

This post is dedicated to my fellow new moms (or those with new additions):
- my sis- in- law Ate Let who gave birth to Regin Andrei last August
- my "kumare" Jem who gave birth to Matthew Zachary last October 7 in San Diego, CA
click to see Jem and baby Matthew
- my cousin-in-law Marge who gave birth to Jean Louis last October 10
- my aunt Alma who will be giving birth to "garutay" this November

one of my firsts

the other day, i just had my very first DOT (dead on table). it was 7:00 in the morning when my c.i. told me to scrub up for an emergency operation, and there he was. The patient was a good-looking 27-year-old single guy who was involved in a vehicular accident while onboard his motorcycle. the operation was very fast paced- the kind you'd see in movies during emergencies. midway into our operation, he arrested and one of the surgeons began cpr. i was trying hard to keep my composure when i saw the damages: ruptured spleen, kidneys, and liver. all measures were taken to help him survive, but because of the injuries he sustained and the blood he lost, he was declared dead by 7:30. it made me realize how precious life is and why i am right into turning down mick's wishes of buying a motorcycle. at least now, i have a solid argument.

i never thought that it would take one dead patient to make me appreciate what i have now. i no longer consider myself to be luckless. because of this patient, i now consider myself lucky coz i'm still alive.

i'm also lucky last night coz for the first time in months, i got to have at least 8 hours of sleep!

M-onday I-s S-cary

today, life has shown me the preview to hell. i don't know if there is any truth to luck, but if ever there is, this surely was a bad luck day for me! one proof is a reprimand from my c.i., another proof from a surgeon while I was circulating for a nephrectomy, and the last blow from a misinformed friend of my mom regarding a package they have sent through her.

details regarding these experiences are hard to comprehend, but the explanation as to why these things are happening to me are much more bizaare. what is clear, however, is that all events are due to mistaken identity / misinformation / miscommunication which resulted in mishap and misery. gawd!!! misis na po ako, di na mis- !!!

now all i wanna do is close my eyes and wander off to believing that this day never existed, to be replaced by my pre-structured dreams of bliss and pure good luck.

paksyet!!! life and it's misteries talaga, o! makabili nga ng bagwa (mala feng sui, hihihi!)...


zzzzzzz....

ps: i now know how to use my new pda. next comes abuse!

gifts for turning 23

I have just recieved my brand new sony clie pda that came together with a burberry perfume, a gold watch, and my son's gameboy advance. these were my delayed birthday gifts from my hunny. funny thing is that i don't even know how to configure this damn pda thing! as of now, my sister is the one who is enjoying the gadget. skye suddenly became the behaved boy i want him to be. it's because he is glued playing crash bandicoot. 

ok, time to get back to reading the manual of my new toy...

what happens when i do nothing

it's been a while...

i will be completing my cases next week at the RMC OR which means no duty for this week (yaay!), and i will be back at my most favorite area at the hospital, the operating room (double yaay!).

**********

yesterday, i accompanied hannah to the physical therapist. unfortunately, the therapist wasn't there so we spent the entire day checking out hannah's prospective colleges. this took us from dasma, cavite, to makati. our last stop was at glorietta to refuel. just hope that this won't be one of the places my sister would want to spend her college days in!

**********

i miss mick so much it gnaws me like hell everytime i'm reminded that it would still take a while before he gets home. i never realized phone calls can be so much treasured. sniff! sniff!

**********

life is sooo complicated. i've been contemplating on my useless life not so long ago since i have the whole day to spend about. it was then that i thought that i still wasn't happy, instead, i feel crappy.

this year, almost everything i wished for were given to me ( a high paying job for mick, academic milestones, a healthy skye, a smaller waistline, yada, yada, yada). i told the powers that be that if given these, i would be really happy.

the feeling did not last long. it was like fed into my mouth and spurted out of my anus faster than diarrhea.

and now it's dehydrating me.

deep in thought, i realized that i was unhappy because i am a discontented sucker for everything nice. i'm a leech for infinite and absolute perfection. and though perfection is a good aspect, that still does not erase the fact that i'm still a leech.

maybe i should stop looking and start seeing that happiness was already here, just unnoticed.
maybe i was really happy, maybe i am not, but now i choose to act happy cause maybe i am.

if all the world is a stage, why did i get to play a part of a psycho?

ha! ha! ha! i'm beginning to get crazy... can you tell?

I WANT TO TELL YOU LIES

I want to tell that little boy his Mom will be just fine

I want to tell that dad we got his daughter out in time

I want to tell that wife her husband will be home tonight

I don't want to tell it like it is.....

I want to tell them lies.

You didn't put their seat belts on, you feel you killed your kids

I want to say you didn't ... but in a way, you did.

You pound your fists into my chest, you're hurting so inside

I want to say you'll be ok......

I want to tell you lies.

You left chemicals within his reach and now it's in his eyes

I want to say your son will see, not tell you he'll be blind

You ask me if he'll be OK, with pleading in your eyes

I want to say that yes he will.....

I want to tell you lies.

I can see you're crying as your life goes up in smoke

If you'd maintained that smoke alarm, your children may have woke

Don't grab my arm and ask me if your family is alive

Don't make me tell you they're all dead........

I want to tell you lies.

I want to say she'll be okay, you didn't take her life

I hear you say you love her and you'd never hurt your wife

You thought you didn't drink too much, you thought that you could drive

I don't want to say how wrong you were.....

I want to tell you lies.

You only left her for a moment, it happens all the time

How could she have fallen when you thought she couldn't climb

I want to say her neck's not broke, that she will be just fine

I don't want to say she's paralyzed........

I want to tell you lies.

I want to tell this teen his buddies didn't die in vain

Because he thought it would be cool to try and beat that train

I don't want to tell him this will haunt him all his life

I want to say that he'll forget........

I want to tell him lies.

You left the cabinet open and your daughter found the gun

Now you want me to undo the damage that's been done

You tell me she's your only child, you say she's only five

I don't want to say she won't see six.........

I want to tell you lies.

He fell into the pool when you went to grab the phone

It was only for a second that you left him there alone

If you'd let the phone just ring perhaps your boy would be alive

But I don't want to tell you that.........

I want to tell you lies.

The fact that you were speeding caused that car to overturn

And we couldn't get them out of there before the whole thing burned

Did they suffer? Yes, they suffered, they were slowly burned alive

But I don't want to say those words........

I want to tell you lies.

But I have to tell it like it is, until my shift is through

And then the real lies begin, when I come home to you

You ask me how my day was, and I say it was fine

I hope you understand, sometimes.........

I have to tell you lies.

(C)1998 Copyrighted to the author, Kalvere Lyan. Please do not reproduce or distribute without author's written permission. Kal is from Minnesota and welcomes comments at KalTheRebel@aol.com

Blank... blank...

I'm experiencing writer's block (e.g. lack of thought, or my mind is just crowded with useless meanderings), so I thought I'd try out this feature from my chatbox called post generator. Useful for those who hve nothing to say, or for the safety of those who have so much to say it endangers them (yep, that would be me...)

I guess that's the reason why I have to hide my thoughts through a generated blog post. I wanna say so much against those people who tend to put other people down just because one can do something that they could never, ever do. They get so really offensive that they tend to forget we've been taking vital signs long before they decided to join the bandwagon. I don't care whether you are a disgruntled professional searching for greener pastures, for all of us are but the same in the sense that we all chose to be students-- again. I don't want to bring up my UPLB influenced activist nature once again, but DAMN! grrrr.....

Anyway, back to the simulated blog entry:

Couple of days ago, my friend and I were thinking about memory on the African subcontinent. We were quite shocked by the topic, so we asked my friend (add friend's name here) about it, and she was like:

"No kidding?!.. Get out! If I hear another thing about the African subcontinent I'm going to shoot somebody!"

But then when my friend and I got to the part about the memory, (add friend's name here) suddenly got this dangerous look in her eyes. But then this morning, (add friend's name here)'s father told me that the reason (add friend's name here) was so freaked out was because she was watching about memory on TV. On weekends (add friend's name here) can be really unpredicatble like that, but she should know better...

o, ako na: what a pile of BS! makes no sense to me, cause my friends and I never talk of such topics with intellectual nature. Our chitchats are comprised mainly of sex, movies, anatomy and pathophysiology, chismis, and other earthly stuff. Rarely, we do get philosophical, but definitely not these days.

well, what do you know, I do get to post anyway...

10 cm na!!!

Sleep has been an elusive luxury for me these past few weeks. I surely can't sleep straight in daylight, so I've been a walking zombie ever since we took the graveyard shift at the hospital. It's fun, except for the fact that we still have to attend our classes the next day. At Thursdays, we go straight to school still fresh from RMC's delivery room. This means lack of sleep, lack of a bath/shower, lack of energy, and lack of sanity.

Last night was toxic, having these mothers giving birth one after another. It's like they were having a contest of whose baby gets out first. The little critters were lined up before being sent for rooming-in. They were crying their now functional lungs out -- a few more deliveries and we were ready to cry with them. It was total mayhem! I was so tired, but seeing those little hands and feet which reminded me of the first time I saw my son was worth the catastrophe the delivery room has to offer.

Mick already called, and I can't help but cry knowing that he is okay after that hurricane in Florida (where they are cruising right now). Mick laughed and relished the moment of me going ga-ga over his safety. Mahal ko daw pala talaga siya! Haaay, men! They feast on our emotional nature!

Gotta go. Need to sleep.

almost stale pics

I finally had the sense to have all those films lying around our house developed. Since I am worn out and a bit stressed, I figured that I'd just be posting some pics I loved from those 4 almost forgotten rolls of film...



my little man





skye with my nieces, nephews, and some cousins




clowning around inside the operating room

there are lots more, but I'm soooooo tired from building my sister's blog. ooooppppsss... battery low... must have... strength....... to......finish this..........possssst......TOOOOOOT!!!!!

Happy birthday to me!!!

Today is my birthday. So, what do you expect? Balloons and a cake? Sorry to disappoint you, but I don't really celebrate my birthdays. Call me kuripot, but I prefer my birthdays to be just like any other day. In fact, many of my birthdays have come and gone without people even noticing. I don't know why, but maybe I just have this secret desire of knowing who remembers and who didn't. See, that makes a birthday greeting more sincere! Another thing, I don't wanna get all the attention for the day kasi medyo nahihiya ako (oo, inaamin ko, ikinahihiya ko ang bertdey ko!).

This year, I almost forgot that I am about to turn 23 hadn't it been for my parents who sang the birthday song to me when I answered their long distance call from Spain. My dad was giving me extra money to spend on my birthday, but I told him I'll just add it to my sister's scolio therapy fund. Imadyin dat!!!! Naniniwala kasi ako na it's better to give than to recieve especially on your birthday. Tsk! tsk! Sana di ko bertdey nung sinabi nya yun! Hehehe...

Next advanced b-day hug came from Ate Peach as evidenced by my tagboard. This time, it's from Australia.

I can't get it really! The first ones to remember are those from far, far away!

OK, so still safe dahil maiintindihan nila kung walang blowout. Panis na kasi yun pagdating dun tsaka ayaw tanggapin ng LBC.

Jeddahlyn greeted me the next day while I was taking my sister for a therapy check-up. That was advanced b-day greeting number three. Mick's advanced birthday greeting did not count. It was given. He's my hubby and our birthdays are like each other's natal days.

As fate would have it, I was assigned to the delivery room taking the graveyard shift, meaning I would spend the onset of my birthday assisting in, well, giving births! Mick called while I was still aboard the FX to greet me a happy birthday, so we spent a few minutes talking before I changed in my scrubs. I told him I don't feel like celebrating since he was not here. He told me to wait for a few more months, then we could have a super late birthday celebration.

At the hospital, I took a quick trip to the picky vendo machine for a much needed cup of cafe au lait. Upon returning to the dressing room my groupmates asked me what time is it. "12 na", I told them thinking of nothing but how to prevent the freakin' coffee from scalding my tongue. Suddenly, they started singing the birthday song - FOR ME!!! They also gave me the best tasting brownie/cake/whatever! All of a sudden, I now felt why some people want to celebrate their birthdays. I was like an artista on a noontime variety show na sinu-surprise pag birthday nila (na minsan pa nga may mag-aapear na surprise guest kuno na sasabayan silang kumanta, e pre-recorded naman ung mga boses nila. Pero syempre, para mas dramatic, kunwari gulat to the max sila!)

I did cry, really. First question was, how? My birthday was super-secret! It didn't matter na, I enjoyed the cake/brownie/whatever anyway. Turned out it was Lorielyn who discovered first. Since kuripot ako, my blowout was goto/beef mami/siopao at a certain mami house at 6:30 in the morning. Buti na lang sarado pa lahat ng fastfood!

The next day, kahit ngarag at windang, we still had to go straight to school for our pharma and patho class. We were zombies without a bath. Buti na lang, may baon akong underwear. I was ready to curse the day when, surprise! Mrs. Eduarte's class was cancelled for the day in celebration of my birthday!!!! Hehehehe... dream on! OA na yun! Actually, she understood that we've been awake for almost 24 hours so she decided to cancel the class for today only. Besides, she had to go back home for some forgotten documents, so there were other reasons.

Surprise, surprise! Almost everyone at school remembered my birthday! I was a celebrity! I was the queen! The world was my oyster. The day was full of "Hi Haze! Happy birthday!!!" Hihihihi.... sana tuloy yung classes so I could savor the feeling for the rest of the day.

The need for sleep made me go home instead of staying to enjoy the moment. Buti na lang inaantok na ako. I went home at 11 missing my brother's birthday greeting call from Spain by a few minutes. My bundle of joy also greeteed me with a big, wet kiss, and, whaddayaknow! so did my sisters.

Mick called again via satellite at 3 in the afternoon. He was giving out a mini party in celebration of me. I cried and cried but suddenly stopped when I realized that he gave the phone to his boss to greet me. What about that? I was pouring my pre-mid life crisis woes to my hunny's boss!

The day is not yet over, and there are still a few more calls I am recieving. I feel so special with extra cheese on top. Now I begin to marvel at the knowledge that people still love me. Thanks for remembering. I now am 23... OFFICIALLY.

The high cost of childhood

Sunday was supposed to be a rest day and church day, but when you are a twentysomething guardian to two teeners and a mom to one, Sunday was a day to run errands such as doing the groceries. So,this past Sunday, I dragged my big butt to the mall to keep the household's sanity (aka window shopping) while doing some "mom work" on the side.
We came, we saw, and then we conquered the mall. Actually, my cuz Jet was supposed to come with us, but for some reason became unavailable at the last moment. My crew and I spent the first hour cruising around while buying a few trinkets here and there. Damn! Wearing high-heeled sandals on a mall tour is really, really not a great idea.

Harriet got those printed nail thingies that day. She shelled out a hundred bucks just to have her nails printed with chinese characters and a nude pic of crayon shin chan (or however it is spelled). Imagine what the world has come to today! Kids spending a meal's worth of money on something they can't even comprehend (I later translated it for her: "hindi ako naglilinis ng kuko. sayang lang ang one hundred ko.")

Want to hear something funny? Hannah owns a samsung e-715 while Harriet totes a 7250, and me, their ate, owns a motorola (model unknown, but surely not the trendy kind) stashed away in my drawer. I don't know why, but I am not really fond of cellphones. The se z1010 on my sidebar, however, is an exemption. Maybe because I find it a waste to buy something that will get outdated as fast as the weather changes. I also have this opinion that if I have spent the past years of my life incommunicado, I can definitely live a life sans cellphones. I now get by with landlines and e-mails, and I enjoy it. Sayang ang piso. Besides, pwede namang maki-text, right? Although I may seem a bit too practical, I am not closing my doors to owning AND using a cellphone. I still am a woman, after all. (hunny: hint! hint!)

I'm now way off topic. Anyway, we got what we needed and got what my sisters wanted. Now, it's my son's turn. We spent the next hour choosing between a Spiderman-goggle-lighty-thing and a train set at Tweedledee. At a P150 bucks a piece, I am not that generous to indulge my baby to some toy which will probably have a life span of a week, so it's either one or the other. We settled for a punching bag instead cause my sister gave the idea that it would do us a lot of good since we wouldn't serve as Skye's kickboxing partner anymore. That, my friends, is one of the greates ideas I've ever welcomed with open but Skye-bruised arms.

Upon returning home (me:thank God! my feet: thanks Haze!), my future boxer immediately set up his punching bag and gave it a good beating. Some may think this will enhance the evil creature out of him, but gee... maybe I'll just let my kid be a kid. At least this proves na lalaking-lalaki ang anak ko. For someone who's three and with lots of energy, I think this will suit him just fine.

As for me, my personal rest day comprised around an hour out of the whole Sunday. Doing what? Taking a nap, of course. Now that's one luxury/necessity for the child in me that costs absolutely nothing, not stressing, and is very much highly appreciated...



my current need

For the sake of rhinoplasty

My sisters and I are now watching this new show, "Born Diva". Yeahhh... a show with free aesthetic enhancements!!!! They told me to join so I could get the nose job I've been wanting all along, for FREE!!! All I've got to do is join, sing, be the guinea pig, and join the star search bandwagon.

OK, checklist: I can do the singing (hey! I won't be the self-proclaimed "Videoke Bakaw Queen" with Rye for nothing, y'know?), I have the guts to join (believe me, this is what singing contests do to you-- sadyang makapal na din mukha ko), and I am everyone's guinea pig! But no, no, no, no. I cannot indulge these networks into being one of those lured by a promise of stardom, a house and lot, and even free lipo! I mean, no offense meant to the others who want to join, but, isn't it a bit brutal being told that you're out, and being judged sarcastically in front of your face? I am not that much of a pachyderm to just let it pass by without them getting a punch in the nose. I am, by my own volition, a really sensitive human being. Besides, out of the thousands flocking for that "Belo makeover" chance, how many of those will go home disappointed and teary-eyed because they won't be able to get a blepharoplasty? I certainly don't wanna be disappointed. Then there's the "connection" thing. Admit it or not, a textmate or a ninang from some TV related company helps. Eh, sori, isang hamak na timawa lang ako. Gabby Lopez surely won't even know I existed! There are also a lot more things to consider- how would our household survive without me? Or how would Skye do without me? Or what will I do with my clinicals if I joined? Or what looks better on me? Backless or strapless? Or I still have to learn how to drive so I could get there!!! One more thing, I am not exactly "star material"!

Gee... the lights and the free nose job faded inside my thoughts. I am now happy with what I am. I also don't need a nose reconstruction. Mine's fine. Aquiline, but somewhat big on the nares (thanks to my genes!) Nevertheless, I can still smell. Besides, Mick and I can save up for a bleaching session, right hon? *winks* I guess I won't be joining any of those just yet.

Videoke na lang muna...

(btw: candidate number one won.)

one minute break lang...

I am currently busy doing my drug study for our case study. drugs, drugs, drugs, hehehe... drug addict na nga 'ata ako. then there's the pathophysio explanation of why this guy has a bulging stomach, and why he farts a lot, etc., etc. haaaaay... i know it's not that hard to do. what's hard is resisting the temptation of doing other things much more interesting than... than... drugs and farts!

They told me how they didn't notice my hair growing so long already. it's because it's always up in a bun under a nursing cap. i try to let it down once in a while dahil i think it is one of the reasons kung bakit lumalaki ung noo ko. now my curly locks reach my waist. mala-"marina" daw ang dating. my hair is now like samantha jones, sexy but high-maintenance.

bakit ba kulot salot?

e di salot tayong lahat? hihihihihi... just a thought....

geee.. back to work! more drugs coming my way, but i need just one- tylenol!

angel

by sarah mclachlan

spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack
you don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe
in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness
that brings me to my knees
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

they come in threes

today's agony: having a 3rd degree burn patient. assisting with the debridement was okay, but the freakin' smell was waaaaay hard on the nose! the guy was kooky, though.

another agony: vendo machines. they are so picky! not all twenty peso bills are that crisp!

and another agony: me entering the "tanga-tunganga" mode throughout the day.

wish i were a rich bum...

food trip for the dead

yesterday was:
- my dead father-in-law's birthday
- my dead grandfather's death anniversary
- ninoy aquino's death anniversary (he's not related to me, but so what?)

today is:
- my dead tita's birthday
- sunday (rest day!!!)

---> these are enough reasons for me to stuff myself with chicken pops, corn and carrots, brazo de mercedes, and coffee crumble flavored ice cream. BUUUURRRRPPPP!!!!!

does this signal depression, or am i just being a glutton?

can someone teach me the proper way of regurgitating what you ate without being called a bulimic?

pink and without balloons

we attended my cousin's (cindy's) debut last night. we also had a blast especially that some of my elusive cousins were there. winston got semi-drunk and was kinda loud. he was one of the eighteen roses and it was funny cause he was much smaller that cindy. danhil was also there. i think he will be leaving for italy soon since their school year is about to start, so this is our way of kicking his butt off before leaving. cindy was cute in her pink ballroom gown, the kind of what i want to have though i don't really know if it will look good on me. the room was all girly and pink, but my son kept asking me where the hell are the balloons? funny kid...



it's our sorority's alumni homecoming today, and we have this get together at LB. i soooooooo wanna go, but our househelp is on her day off and she left even before i woke up. i surely can't drag my sister and son there. grrrrr!!! what a coincidence! i have everything planned already, today being a holiday and all! woe to me! so, fellow omegans, long live!

now i've got nothing to do, and nowhere to go to. life can be so cruel.

maybe skye and i can make something out of it and make a ref cake.

hehehe... nice when you have a kid around, eh!

my son the dog...

My son now thinks he's a dog. At first I found it funny seeing him bark and all, but I got worried when he starts licking me and the furniture. Why, of all people he can look up to, is he fascinated of dogs? Naalala ko tuloy si Scout. See, Scout was our first baby before Skye. I got the name from one of Demi Moore's daughters, Scout LaRue. She was a rottweiler which Mick bought using his share from his bonus then. I was pregnant by the time we had scout. She was only two months old, I think, but she was big, and cute, and still cuddly. We thought it would be a good way of practicing parenthood since the pup is like a baby. She would sleep in our bed, we trained her to do her thing outside, and she was the only other girl my husband kisses. Things, however, changed as she grew up. There were the loud barks, the monstrous consumption of dog food that ate a lot of our budget, the stinky smell, and the scary idea that she would think she's still cuddly and attack me in all my pregnant glory. And so the decision was made to sell scout and keep our sanity. It was hard letting her go, but it has to be done.

With Skye, it was nice that he now serves as the reincarnation of our first baby, but please! Can someone tell me if this behavior is normal????

I miss Mick. Last night, I heard Carrie Bradshaw say on a "sex and the city" rerun that "two halves make a whole, but two of their halves make a whole lot of mess". Hehehe... Maybe we are a riot, but I agree that things are better for me EMOTIONALLY when he's here. That is some sacrifice I am willing to make, but too damn hard to accomplish. He told me over the phone that I can do it, and I know I can too, I just hope I get the cellphone and a three-day stay in Palawan I deserve after all these .

so maybe that's why.... 

just when you thought your lessons are hard...

This was sent to me by e-mail from ate cecil. and you though you were smart, eh? do what is required below and i will give you a million bucks!!! good luck...

WORLD HISTORY Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief and concise, yet specific.

ASTRONOMY Define the universe; give three examples.

MEDICINE You will be provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

COMPUTER SCIENCE Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, create a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.

PUBLIC SPEAKING Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin, Hebrew, or Greek.

CIVIL ENGINEERING This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.

MECHANICAL ENGINEERING The disassembled parts of a howitzer have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.

BIOLOGY Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500,000 years earlier, with special attention to the probable effect, if any, on the Philippine social spectrum circa 1640. Prove your thesis.

RELIGION Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.

MUSIC Write a full piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

LOGIC Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

CHEMISTRY You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison.

PSYCHOLOGY Based on your knowledge of their early works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, and Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. Translate all quotations in Tagalog.

SOCIOLOGY Identify the sociological problems which might be associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

ECONOMICS Describe in four hundred words or less what you would have done to prevent the Great Depression.

MATHEMATICS You have 60 seconds to mentally solve the mathematical problem below. Begin.
8,256.091 + _________ - ________ x ________ ¸ ________ = -38.07623 (Bonus question: Why is 11 not pronounced onety one? Provide a full numerical analysis in justifying your answer.)

POLITICAL SCIENCE There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

ART Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.

PHYSICS Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an in-depth evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

METAPHYSICS Describe in detail the nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis.

PHILOSOPHY Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

our group inside the r.m.c. operating room with our preceptor, sir sam...

searching for utopia

mick called last night. twice. i was happy he called cause i need someone to really talk to. the kind who will just listen without judgments or unsolicited advices. the kind you could only get from my husband.

at the hospital, there was this patient who was admitted since last week. he suffered from multiple stab wounds from a neighbor and by multiple, i really mean multiple! he was doing fine, we thought, but the absence of antibiotics needed to increase his resistance to infection resulted in complications from the many -omy operations he had. the watcher said they didn't have enough money to buy the much needed meds. before we left, they were all ready to ambu bag the patient while he stares blankly into space, gasping for breath, as if asking God to have mercy on his poor soul.

our group felt really bad for this guy. when you are in the hospital, you begin to get miserable with all the injustices of the world. sometimes, a few pesos would cost you a life and with the numerable patients with the same problem, it would really cost you a lot! how sad...

if only i were that rich to shoulder all their hospital expenses, if only the world is financially balanced, if only people would stop stabbing their neighbors, if only absolutely free healthcare is available in the Philippines, if only corrupt officials and other crooks would share their "stolen" money, if only people could have indestructible bodies, if only...haaay! such a cruel world...

i could just stare blankly into space together with that patient and pray that may God indeed have mercy on his poor soul...

" Adjust To Life"

A man and his girlfriend were married. It was a large
celebration. All of their friends and family came to see
the lovely ceremony and to partake of the festivities and
celebrations. A wonderful time was had by all.
The bride was gorgeous in her white wedding gown and
the groom was very dashing in his black tuxedo. Everyone
could tell that the love they had for each other was true.
A few months later, the wife comes to the husband with a
proposal. "I read in a magazine, a while ago, about how
we can strengthen our marriage," she offered. "Each of us
will write a list of the things that we find a bit annoying with
the other person. Then, we can talk about how we can fix
them together and make our lives happier together."
The husband agreed. So each of them went to a separate
room in the house and thought of the things that annoyed
them about the other. They thought about this question for
the rest of the day and wrote down what they came up with.
The next morning, at the breakfast table, they decided that
they would go over their lists.
"I'll start," offered the wife.
She took out her list. It had many items on it. Enough to fill
three pages, in fact. As she started reading the list of the little
annoyances, she noticed that tears were starting to appear in
her husbands eyes.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"Nothing," the husband replied, "keep reading your list."
The wife continued to read until she had read all three pages
to her husband. She neatly placed her list on the table and
folded her hands over it.
"Now, you read your list, and then we'll talk about the things
on both of our lists," she said happily.
Quietly the husband stated, "I don't have anything on my list.
I think that you are perfect the way that you are. I don't want you
to change anything for me. You are lovely and wonderful and I
wouldn't want to try and change anything about you."
The wife, touched by his honesty and the depth of his love for
her and his acceptance of her, turned her head and wept.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
IN LIFE, there are enough times when we are disappointed,
depressed and annoyed. We don't really have to go looking
for them. We have a wonderful world that is full of beauty,
light and promise.
Why waste time in this world looking for the bad, disappointing
or annoying when we can look around us and see the wondrous
things before us?
I believe that WE ARE HAPPIEST WHEN we see and praise
the good and try our best to forget the bad. Nobody's perfect
but we can find the perfectness in them and change the way
we see them.
-something to think about from Pia

from biochem to malling...

gee...i haven't seen mrs. garcia for the past three weeks! i was absent at the first two (but i have my reasons !), and now she got back at me by being absent today. and to think i woke up early!

i made a vow to myself to wise up on my expenses since i didn't get to save this past month because of compulsive purchases and sudden events that require money unloading (like replacing our ref).my classmates felt the same way so we decided to have a late "paluwagan" so we could force ourselves to invest for the coming christmas season. i'll use it to buy something for my two boys. just hope this money saving scheme works...

though moolah-saving is now my new mantra, buying new nursing shoes was a necessity. the old ones were in a badly need of a replacement. kitz and vince went with me to the mall where there was a 3-day sale. after a few hours of shoe-searching, i still haven't found what i've been looking for while kitz and vince found a few things to buy along the way. our break was at the starbucks where we talked and stayed for around an hour and a half. with that conversation, i came up with these:

1. reunions are something to look forward to if postponed until you become a millionaire.
2. former delinquents now tend to be the responsible ones because they just became tired of being, well, delinquents.
3. no matter what astringents or cosmetics you use, you still won't have elizabeth hurley's genes, so why bother?
4. our class is now getting in touch with humanity with all these patient interactions going on.
5. an iced frapuccino is best served with a friend.

i did get to buy shoes after that. i also managed to buy my skye his doughnuts and pay some bills. my little guy was waiting for me (or the doughnuts?) with open arms when i got home. he is now making doodles on his coloring books beside me.

the day was tiring but sweet. it resulted in a headache and sore feet, but then, they will be wearing new shoes by monday, so why complain?

my little baby boy. he just turned three. looks and acts a lot like his dad. he is now asking when he can go to school. turns the house upside down like the tasmanian devil, but when I see him at night in bed, i just realize that the monster is nothing but a tired little angel. haaaaayy.... what would i be without this kid??? 

they say everybody looks good in white, i say "duh..."

my hunny with a friend beside their ship, Norwegian Dawn